As a National Board Certified Health & Wellness Coach in Tucson, Arizona, I appreciate the family dynamics that contribute to the joy, stress and anxiety of the holiday season. It’s important to prepare yourself for the possibility or inevitability that comes with being around our families of origin.
Family Dynamics: Even though we’re all adults here, old patterns of sibling rivalries may still exist. Additionally, each generation likely has their own ideas of how they want the time together to be spent. Some families cook together, others gather around the TV and watch football with a beer or two still others order pizza and play card games and of course everything in between and beyond. Then add in the very common occurrence of blended families and you’ve got potential for drama. However, thinking this through with your partner or siblings in advance can have a positive impact on the time together. Knowing and planning for these differences and ideas can ensure that everyone has a good experience with the family. Be sure to think through all the possibilities so that you’ll be ready when it doesn’t go according to plan. Who ever said families go according to plan.
Setting Realistic Expectations: Think about your favorite holiday movie or show and the variety of ways they portray the “perfect” family gathering. Now, throw out that image and return to reality, already in progress. Do what you can to manage your expectations so that you can enjoy being with people who you may only see in person once or maybe a few times each year. Your family like mine is full of unique characters who if you can manage your expectations successfully can bring lots of joy and laughter to the holiday season. Things will likely not go as planned and by some measures it will not be perfect but if the goal is to have family time together, that has a good chance of being achieved.
Communication: Think about who will likely be there, the unique perspectives and opinions. The holidays are opportunities to come together and connect, not divide. Try to practice active listening, lean in and listen closely. they are your family for better or worse. Be curious, try to really understand what they’re saying. Most often you’ll learn something new about them. What if this was the last time you see that person. Today is all we have after all. Try to be in the moment with them. If drama occurs, talk through some strategies with your partner or children that you can use to de-escalate conflicts such as when the going gets tough the tough go to the kitchen for another desert. Or maybe your phone rings just then and it’s (as far as anyone knows) a call you’ve just got to take. Be creative and try to enjoy the show.
Boundaries and Self-Care are important every day but even more so during the holidays when it’s particularly easy to over-do it. If you know you’ll be confronted by OMG those holiday food treats that others are bringing that you look forward to each year, you might choose to eat a small healthy meal before you go so you’re not starving when you arrive and see that fudge or cheese ball or whatever delightful dish strikes your fancy. Another tip is to bring something healthier so that you and anyone else who might be attempting to indulge minimally can have options too. Another idea is to drink water before during and after. Water will help you manage your appetite. If all else fails and you fall under the spell of those irresistible dishes, don’t fret. The next day you can go for a walk, have a nice salad for lunch and keep moving forward, no regrets.
But most of all take care of yourself. I’ll bet you know someone who burns the candle at both ends to make the holiday season so special and over the top they end up bringing in the New Year with the common cold. Take time to enjoy the day, there is no downside to being present. Celebrate with family traditions that bring family members closer together. Did you ever do white elephant exchanges or Yankee swap? How about implementing new traditions that can become things that everyone looks forward to each year? What about English Christmas Crackers, who knew? Not me.
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, family dynamics can be too challenging to handle alone. It’s important that you know there are places and people who are available to support you. Here in Tucson you may call NAMI (520) 622-6000 or dial 988 to talk, walk in 24/7 or get help.